“I’m not so sure about this,” my voice quavered and my hands shook as I tried to put on my lip-liner.
“Then why are you going?” my husband asked.
“Because I want to,” I said.
“Then why are you crying?” he asked.
I shrugged and looked up towards the ceiling in hopes of stopping the tears from spilling out and messing up my fresh makeup. I took a few deep breaths and looked in the mirror, straightened up and gave myself and my husband a nervous smile. I put on my coat and hat for the chilly November afternoon and climbed into the car alone.
I felt okay for a few minutes driving along, but suddenly the 35 mile trip felt very long. I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach again and picked up my cell phone. I set it back down and took a few more deep breaths. I listened to the radio then picked up the phone again and pushed the number for my sister-in-law. She picked up.
“Hello, Allison?” I began and we shared the normal pleasantries.
“Are you okay, Shan?”
“Yes, I, well, I am just on my way to that lunch,” I stammered.
“You are right now?” her voice raised in excitement. “That is so cool! You are going to have such a great time!”
“Well…,” I stammered again and blinked my eyes, willing the tears again to not mess up my make-up.
“I’m kind of starting to freak out a bit. I’m not sure if I want to go.” Allison immediately gave me the reassurances that I needed and reminded me of all the reasons that I was looking forward to this lunch. If only I had somebody with me. Just one person that I knew. But having a familiar voice reassuring me was helpful.
“And think of what good you might be doing to change stigmas,” she said. “Do you know that not too long ago pregnant women couldn’t do a lot of things because it was inappropriate for them to be seen in certain settings.
Immediately I recalled an experience that my own mother had been through. She was young and quite newly married, attending the
“That will be perfect,” she told the professor. “Then I will be done months before the baby is born.”
“Baby?” he balked. “What baby?”
Yes, my mother was pregnant. She was married. She was doing well in her classes. But now she would have this hideous bump coming out of her middle which might insight the minds of high school students to think…to think what?...who knows but it was not going to be okay for her to be seen in that “condition”. It was decided that she would not be allowed to do her student teaching. She was able to graduate but could not receive her teaching certificate. It would be another thirty years before she would have the opportunity to go back to school and get that certificate because of how somebody else thought her look might bother somebody else.
I felt less alone and thanked Allison as I pulled into the parking garage. Once I found a spot, I turned off the engine and sat quietly for a few minutes. I was late. Would I be the last to arrive? What if nobody was there? And why did the lunch have to be in a very large restaurant in the middle of a large downtown mall? I took off my hat and looked in the mirror. My stomach was turning somersaults. I clasped my hands together and said a short prayer. Then it came to me. Not a voice. Just a thought. A very clear thought. “It’s time to make your choice.”
It took only a minute to decide.
“I choose to be beautiful,” I said to my reflection and got out of the car. I straightened my dress and straightened my spine. I rolled my shoulders back and lifted the crown of my head towards the sky. I put on a layer of lip gloss. I smiled and began to walk. It was a long walk and it was cold. I noticed people looking at me. I would glance at them only long enough to smile and kept going.
I entered the restaurant and, to my relief, spotted my table immediately. Thea stood and welcomed me. I recognized her from the photos on her website. Her smile was warm and inviting. Although nearly a foot shorter than me in my tall boots, her hug was huge. I sat down and immediately felt more at ease. All of the women smiled at me. There was an instant connection. We all shared so much and could relate on so many levels. Our eyes spoke volumes before introductions were made.
We spent several hours talking about everything you can imagine—especially our experiences with the disease that brought us all together. I have an auto-immune disease called Alopecia Areata. It started at the age of 14 with just one spot the size of a quarter on the back of my scalp. The spots had come and gone over the next 7 years then I went through a period of about 18 months when I had experienced total hair loss. It had grown back and was pretty stable for the next 8 years. Then two years ago I went through a rugged bout with Hepatitis A, and lost all of my hair in just a two week period. I also lost my eyebrows and many of my lashes as well as patches of hair on the rest of my body. This lunch was the very first time that I had gone into public with out a wig or a scarf on my head.
About an hour into the lunch a news reporter came. She interviewed Thea and then asked if some of us would be willing to do a spot for one of the sports casters at the station. He liked to have somebody from the community introduce the beginning of his segment each night. Several of us stood up and put our arms around each other and, on cue said in unison, “We are Bald Girls Do Lunch and it’s Rungee Time!”
The camera man gave us a thumbs up, and then, to my amazement, somebody from another table stood up and clapped. Then the entire restaurant was clapping for us. Tears stung my eyes again. But this time not because I was scared or ashamed. I had made the choice to be beautiful and I felt it.
Driving home I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I everything was going to be okay.
My hair hasn’t grown back and I still have hard days. I still have to make the decision when I go out to be beautiful and I have to remind myself of that a lot. It is not something that comes naturally to most any of us women (or men for that matter) in our society. But I am coming along.
I find strength in motherhood. In focusing my efforts on helping to raise the three little ones I’ve been given to be accepting and loving of all people and to look past the appearance of an individual to see who they truly are, I find joy and fulfillment. I find strength in serving others less fortunate than myself. Running a non-profit organization to provide educational scholarships for children in
There are still days when I forget the things I’ve learned. I hear somebody complain about how unruly their thick hair is or I try to decide what to wear to an event or I wake up after dreaming that my hair has grown back and I feel upset. But then I have to look in the mirror and do what every man and woman ought to do when they look in the mirror each morning. I raise my eyebrows a bit. I nod my head. I wink and I say, “Yeah. You are looking good!”
Photos Provided and Article Written By Shannon Cox
Shannon was born and raised in Ogden, Utah, served a Spanish speaking mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints and has a BS in Spanish and Early Childhood Education. She is married to, "one awesome man, Jason" and they are currently expecting their fourth child. She is the founder of Haitian Roots, a non-profit organization which serves to aid education efforts and other care for Haitian children, and works once a week as a Spanish interpreter at her local courthouse.
