Question of the Week 10/19 - 10/25/08

My joy today was in taking a nap, snuggling my head into my Bubba's shoulder, watching my littlest wobble through some of his first steps, and teaching my children about the Savior.

What has brought you joy today?

Invisible Mother

It's so easy to feel invisible as a mother. You work hard, quickly, and often silently. You're raising beautiful children, but few see the effort that goes into it . . . . as much of it happens behind closed doors. My mother in law once said to me that, "Motherhood is a thankless job." And it too often is.

While they are often thankless, your works will affect generations. . . . even if they aren't seen or recognized as "your works". You may not always get the recognition, respect, or gratitude that you deserve, but your efforts are worth more than any of those - and the rewards of your sacrifice and labors will be eternal. Keep building the great things that you are, even if you're doing it without being noticed.

President David O. McKay (1873–1970): “[The] ability and willingness properly to rear children, the gift to love, and eagerness … to express it in soul development, make motherhood the noblest office or calling in the world. She who can paint a masterpiece or write a book that will influence millions deserves the admiration and the plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose influence will be felt through generations to come, … deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God” (Gospel Ideals [1954], 453–54).

You are creating something far greater than a masterpiece! Thank you, thank you - for making tomorrow's tomorrows bigger and brighter. Your children do and will shine - just as their beautiful and inspiring mother!

Enjoy the video:

Sincerity, Sorrow, and Balloons

There are very few times when speaking to someone that I feel their interest in our conversation is truly sincere. Do you ever feel that way? How often it seems that they are only listening out of politeness, waiting patiently until we have finished our tale so that they may relate similarly or change the topic entirely to something that better features their experiences or interest. In contrast to that, it’s easy ourselves, to forget to feel and express sincerity. There are many of us that tire of listening to trivial tales or data about people’s day to day lives that seem to have no real meaning for us, or impact on life as a whole. We can all admit to our own eyes glazing over or our minds wandering in such instances. So, how do we overcome these flaws? How do we become truly sincere? How can we find interest or concern in the seemingly mundane?

Simple Sincerity
Let’s take things down to a much simpler perspective, that of a child’s. Kids find concern in the smallest of things. For example, the other day my children stumbled upon a colony of ants. Upon looking at the ants, I explained that they were moving their eggs to a safer location (as my children had disturbed their nest). It wasn’t long afterward when I realized my kind hearted five year old daughter had retreated to her bedroom, where she was quietly sitting on her bed, crying. This was not an unusual occasion. My daughter is often crying over small worries. And so, rather than feeling her sorrow, I was slightly exasperated that she was crying . . . yet again. Still, I asked her why she was crying. It seemed that she had done an awful thing, and felt horrible about it. She had squished one of the ant eggs, killing a baby ant. She was worried about what the parents would think, how sad they would be, and so forth. Of course my heart softened towards her sweetness, but in the grand scheme of things one little ant egg did not seem very significant. I comforted her, and she was soon able to resume play.

This puts to mind a great sketch by a comedian on an episode of Last Comic Standing. I’ll paraphrase to my best ability (as I can’t seem to find the video on youtube):

“So, my kid and I were at the park the other day . . . . my kid, happy as can be, pulling a balloon behind him. It wasn’t long ‘til he got distracted and let his grip slip, losing hold of the string yelling, ‘My balloon! My balloon! Wah-ha-ha!’ He continued crying hysterically for like ten minutes. Seriously, what’s the big deal? We can get another balloon. But then I thought . . . what if I had lost my balloon? Or something just as important say, my wallet? What if my wallet were to float off into the sky, never to return again? ‘My wallet! My wallet! Wah-ha-ha!’”

Eternal Perspective
That’s all we need, a little perspective. Let’s push our examples a little further. Let’s push it from child to father . . . in this case, eternal father. Whether or not you believe in God or a Supreme Being, stick with me here – because I think that giving latitude for such a concept will help to drive this point home. Given that God and Jesus Christ are seen as beings that understand all that we as mortals experience here on this earth, they understand our joys, sorrows, pains, and worries. They understand our perspectives intimately as they have experienced and suffered all that we have. Going from there, I’m sure with their eternal perspective that they also see the triviality in our worries, day to day interests and struggles. In the grand scheme of things – the things we over analyze, talk of, and worry about are minute. And yet, never in the biblical accounts of Jesus Christ’s ministry, is it written that he made light of the people’s concerns.

The Secret to Genuine Sincerity
When the disciples were crying about their “lost balloons,” the Savior didn’t laugh, roll his eyes, or sigh in exasperation; he heard them with earnest sincerity – why? Because he had charity towards them, he loved them. The solution to sincerity is simple; we need to love one another with a pure heart! Stephen E. Robinson referred to this as the “Prime Directive,” referencing scripture:

“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13)

Robinson continues, “This is not emotional fluff. This is not pie in the sky wishful thinking, or idealistic gas. Love is not some subsidiary principle that allows the weepy among us to go off on a crying jag. [. . .] It is not an option that may be ignored by those who would prefer not to clutter their lives with other peoples’ problems.”

Stephen E. Robinson, Following Christ (Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book Company, 1995) 136,137

We can’t ignore the importance of sincerity - finding love and compassion in our hearts for our neighbors – it’s a commandment, an eternal law, a source for peace and happiness in our lives. We need to have greater heart and a willingness to open our perspectives to understanding the lives of others. Sure, not everything that passes your ears is important or meaningful, but the person who is sharing it is. Even if you can’t find any interest in listening to another’s tales, you can find an interest in them – by loving them and remembering the value that they as a person, a child of God, hold. So, on behalf of Stephen E. Robinson, may I say, “Bring on the clutter, bring on the love!”

Discussion: Do you think sincerity is important in relationships, why? How can you tell when someone is being truly sincere?

Written By: Marzee Dyer
Photo By: incendiarymind

27 years of age, Marzee has never been much farther than the green puddles of the Northwest (Oregon & Washington, USA). She has been happily married to Jon for seven years, is a stay at home mother of three, college student, and youth mentor. She is the founder of WomenAfire. Hobbies: Singing at church, dancing with her kids, hangin' with her husband, fitness, teaching, reading (Stephenie Meyer) & writing.

Question of the Week 10/5 - 10/11/08

What things/actions help you to maintain strong relationships with your girlfriends? What hinders or negatively affects those friendships?

10/5 - 10/11/08
JOIN THE DISCUSSION!

Photo By: The Flooz

The Cure to a Dissatisfied Life

There are times in our lives when we feel very disappointed in ourselves, wondering if we're taking wise advantage of our time on Earth. Perhaps we have been wasteful of this precious gift, this mortal experience or detest the fact that where we are in life is a (relatively) direct result of what we have or have not done with the life we have lived, often finding some dissatisfaction in our personal growth and the goals/dreams that we have or have not achieved.

Feeling Small
I remember a time, as a young wife and mother, when I was attending a function for the Young Women in our church. We were celebrating those girls who were graduating high school and moving on to the next exciting steps in their lives. Many of them had earned scholarships, awards, AA degrees, and other recognitions - all by the tender age of eighteen. While I was pleased for the girls and their accomplishments, I felt very disappointed in my own, realizing that I had never earned any scholarship, had not yet gained a college degree of any sort, and so forth. I went home that night with a heavy heart, crying in disappointment for the lack in my own personal growth and accomplishments.

We all have moments when we find ourselves in circumstances that make us feel very small. Small in multiple ways; accomplishment, intelligence, spiritual growth, etc. Luckily, we rarely feel these insignificances all at once. Many people can be in such environments and thrive, seeing them as opportunities to learn more, gleaning wisdom from people who are exemplary in some way or another. Why do we so often fail to have that mindset?


Opportunity for Personal Growth
Rather than being grateful for the examples and strength of those young women, I compared myself to them and belittled myself for having not done similarly. The problem here was that rather than seeing the opportunity of such a moment, I wallowed in self pity. As Nancy pointed out in her Jealousy series, we often compare ourselves to those people who seem to have greater talents, opportunities, experiences, material possessions and so forth. When really, we should change our point of view and see their examples as something we may pattern our own successful living after. When my sense returned, I realized that there really is no true comparison, as we are all different in the gifts we hold, the talents we develop, the opportunities and challenges that come to us, as well as what we make of them. Our use and application of these things is what sets us apart from each other. No two people are alike, and so – we may learn from multiple people and their experiences throughout our lifetime. Here are a few things that I believe can help us to become the people that we long to be:

Helpful Tips
1. Write it down! Collect your thoughts in a journal entry. Record your feelings and aspirations. Ponder on what you want to do. Once you've figured out what that is, make sure you list the things you will have to sacrifice to achieve this as well as the ways your life will be improved when succeeding.

2. Find a Role Model or Mentor. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your friend what they found most helpful in honing a specific skill, or gaining a certain accomplishment. Find things that your new role model has done successfully that you may apply to your own life. Write it down and apply it!

3. Set small goals. Make small goals with flexible deadlines. I emphasize “small” because if you only set big ones, you may find yourself discouraged before reaching the first one. Make your goals small enough so that you aren’t burnt out before fulfilling them. And “flexibility” in your goal deadlines allow you to adjust without giving up. Flexible does not mean putting it off forever, but giving yourself a small window in which to accomplish the task (rather than a specific date).

4. Be accountable! It helps to have someone to report to – let them know your intentions and that you want them to be your “marker,” checking in occasionally to report your progress.

5. Reward yourself. When you achieve those small milestones, reward yourself appropriately. Yes, you could easily purchase some token – another idea would be to reward yourself with fun personal time – bubble bath, hike, reading a favorite book in a quiet place, etc. Keep the rewards small so that they’re easy to cash in (rather than avoiding them because you don’t have the funds or means to treat yourself).

We all experience times when we feel low, that we haven’t made all of the right decisions or accomplished enough. Rather than wallowing, we need to do something about those feelings – turn them around into opportunities of how to achieve greater growth. You know what you haven’t done and what you admire in others’ abilities and accomplishments . . . . Now it’s time to learn from their experiences and apply that knowledge to your life! I'm thankful for those people in my life that inspire me to work harder to become a better woman. I know that I want to learn and grow so that I may fulfill my potential - I'm sure that most of you are no different. We know what we want, and have great people around us to pattern after, all we need to do is to set some goals, stick to them, and grow!

Discussion: Have you used any of these ideas to aid you in your personal growth, if so – how did they help you? What’s your personal experience? Do you have any tips outside of those listed that may inspire another?

Written By: Marzee Dyer
Photo By: kimrv

27 years of age, Marzee has never been much farther than the green puddles of the Northwest (Oregon & Washington, USA). She has been happily married to Jon for seven years, is a stay at home mother of three, college student, and youth mentor. She is the founder of WomenAfire. Hobbies: Singing at church, dancing with her kids, hangin' with her husband, fitness, teaching, reading (Stephenie Meyer) & writing.

Jealousy: Its Antidote and Cure (Part 3 of 3)

I spoke earlier of my jealousies manifesting themselves as a need to be better than another. In truth, we never need to be better than the object of our envy. We don’t have to have the same good things. We don’t have to have a straight “A” child, a perfectly romantic husband, clever sense of humor, perfect hair, beautiful singing voice, or a super good business sense just because another does. Life should never be about comparing. It should be about learning to appreciate and love the beauty and gifts around us. This must start by appreciating what is ours and who we truly are – which is exactly what we fail to do when envying another.

Harold Coffin (former humor columnist for The Associated Press) once said, “Envy is the art of counting the other fellows blessings instead of your own.” I firmly believe that gratitude is the surest antidote to jealousy. As you allow yourself to accept the goodness that is you. As you learn to love, appreciate and simply be aware of the quirks, gifts, and talents that are yours it becomes easier to be happy for others. For example, perhaps your spouse doesn’t bring you flowers like a friend’s does, but what if he tells you all his ridiculous dreams or makes sure the car is never low on gas. What if you can’t say or write anything as clever as a co-worker, but you give great advice. We shouldn’t allow jealousy to rob us of the things that make us wonderful.

While gratitude and appreciation for ourselves and what we have can help prevent jealousy, striving to develop appreciation and love for what is another’s is what truly fills us with joy and adds even more to who we already are. All of us have loved ones or friends whose talents, skills, good luck or even beauty give us nothing but happiness. It is the same emotion that parent’s have for their own children – not an ounce of jealousy, simply pure joy if their kids happen to be smarter, more successful, happier or more attractive than they themselves ever dreamt of being. Feeling that way towards another is the most amazing thing. It in no way detracts from who we ourselves are, it uplifts us. It makes life seem more beautiful and complete.

We, as women, live in a world where we are told there are many things we must be, have, and do to be enough, but most of us recognize that is a lie. We know that logically no one person can be everything, much less perfect at everything. Each of us will have our own varied experiences, trials and yes, blessings, but they will be our own, they will be the backdrop of our life and how we experience it. I challenge each of you to become aware of the lies jealousy or envy speaks to you at times. Don’t allow yourselves to be caught in that trap of comparing or assuming one person’s gifts detract from your own. Find ways to appreciate the things that are your own – make lists, ask those who love you (trust me, they will be more than happy to tell you of your talents). Let’s also work to feel joy for that which is another’s so that we may be uplifted by their experiences and gifts, while we uplift them with our own. That is what we women truly need from one another. And, if perhaps, we are feeling that we don’t have a whole lot to make ourselves special, we can remember the words of Francois Ducdela Rochefoucauld (noted French author of maxims and memoirs, 1613-1680) who said, “The truest mark of being born with great qualities is being born with out envy.” Certainly few of us can claim to be born without it, but we can strive to get rid of it, because being void of envy and full of appreciation for others is truly one of the most beautiful traits someone could ever possess.

Written By: Nancy Harris

Photo By: Phillippe Leroyer

Discussion: How are your relationships improved when you allow gratitude fill your heart for others’ talents and gifts rather than being envious of them?

Jealousy: Part 1, Part 2

If you have specific questions or comments for this author, please direct them to her in your comment(s).

Nancy Harris (31) resides in Utah with her husband, “favorite human,” of nine years and her four (soon to be five) children. She received a degree in Zoology from Weber State University in 2000, was born tenth in a family of eleven children, and loves to run (whether or not she’s being chased). Nancy is known for her light and charismatic writing style which, while unassuming and often humorous, gives thoughtful insight and perspective to life’s little challenges.

Workaholics: Mothers & Forgotten Families (Part 2 of 2)

It’s easy to point the finger at the guy or gal who is working overtime – pushing the limits to provide for life’s comforts – and occasionally, its luxuries. It’s easy to say that their family is suffering because they aren’t putting first things first. What about us mothers? Is it possible that we’re neglecting to fulfill our roles appropriately because we’re putting too much on ourselves? Are we getting overloaded with unnecessary distractions and forgetting to put emphasis and attention on what’s truly important?

I know it’s easy to get caught up in the little things, household chores, errands, helping someone with this project, getting the kids to this activity or that sport, etc. What I think many of us are forgetting is to breathe, relax, and just be with our families. To not rush through it all, but enjoy and roll in the togetherness and the time that we’ve been given. We need more family togetherness, more teaching moments, more play, and less of those things that pull us away from each other. I love what Rachel Keller said, “All I can say is simplify, simplify, simplify, easier said than done but we are so much happier when we are living the simple life, not keeping up with everyone else when it comes to what we have and what we do.”

We don’t have to do it all, and it is often the case, that we’re much happier when we don’t. It seems to me that it’s better to just do the basics well. What are the basics? I believe that they are individual to each family – but somewhere in there you may find:

1. Teaching & practicing with your children the things that matter. God, Strong Morals & Ethics, How to love & serve, Responsible living, etc.
2. Family Time. Eating meals together, having activities together, learning together, REGULARLY – DAILY.
3. Providing the essentials and I do mean the essentials – Secure home, clothing, good education, healthcare, basic resources for successful/healthy living.
   
   

Another aspect of this that jumps out at me is our children. What are we teaching them by running around crazy with our crazy schedules? Are we allowing our kids to become workaholics themselves, taking on too many extracurricular activities? Are we teaching by example that doing "everything" is more important than taking time for each other? Or are we teaching them that family comes first?

The other stuff – is just extra. We have to ask ourselves – are we focusing on and fulfilling the things that are most important, or are we being overburdened and distracted by the extra? The other effect from having too much of the extra is that with the extra comes more responsibility for the parent – it increases cost & sacrifices time. Often, the thing that we as women and mothers sacrifice is ourselves, our special time. Somewhere in all of the busyness of life, we need to remember to journal, go on a date, say a personal prayer, read the scriptures, exercise a talent, and set goals for further growth. Now all we have to do is figure out how we can cut back some of the extra and magnify the simple, so that we may find a little extra peace and a lot more family togetherness.

Discussion: What things help you to evaluate where to cut back?

Workaholics: Part 1

Written By: Marzee Dyer
Photo By: Andrew Scott

27 years of age, Marzee has never been much farther than the green puddles of the Northwest (Oregon & Washington, USA). She has been happily married to Jon for seven years, is a stay at home mother of three, college student, and youth mentor. She is the founder of WomenAfire. Hobbies: Singing at church, dancing with her kids, hangin' with her husband, fitness, teaching, reading (Stephenie Meyer) & writing.