The Journal Entry that moved my Husband

I emailed my husband the following entry the other day, and his response was to start this blog. As he stated in his post, I've been rolling this blogsite through my mind for nearly a year now - but have continued to put it off for fear of doing it wrong. His email to me today (along with the link to this blog) said:

I read the journal entry. I sure do love you. I am glad you think about how you can better yourself, and that you see yourself accomplishing more. That is what keeps people motivated.

Start a blog today, and just post something, send the link to all of your friends. Worry about the details later.

Worry about making a difference today.

I sure love ya.

Jon

So below I am sharing with you the journal entry. It seems his creating this blog (though it isn't yet what I had imagined the site being) was his way of helping me to follow through in becoming and doing the things that I am dreaming of. Thank you babe! I love you too.

Tuesday January 17th, 2006

Last night I had a bit of a . . . . meltdown? More of a questioning of who I am - should be - or would have been. I often wonder - "What would I have done with my life had I not married so early?" Not that I'm regretting where I am - I'm not. Truthfully - I don't think I would have done or been much.

Who am I really?

(I reflected here about who I was before I married - and was unsure of who I would have become on my own - without having married Jon, who has brought out so many good things in me.)

I know that I am a great girl – person – with a lot of potential, but I haven’t really done much – and I hadn’t to that point. I don’t know that I would have become this amazing “catch” of a girl/woman. I don’t know that I would have pushed myself to be the person that I could. I think it’s laziness. I see it – I just don’t know how to get there – and it doesn’t ever cross my mind to fight my way there – it never has. I never had the drive and I don’t know that I do now. I know that I have talents and capabilities but I don’t know that I exercise or develop them well. If someone was to ask me – what one thing could I not live without doing, I don’t know what it would be. I really have no true hobbies or interests – outside of my family and church life. If I was to start school again today – I have no idea what I would choose for a major – what I would enjoy – what I would excel at or find purpose in.

I feel boring and almost stagnant in my personal growth. It’s not that I don’t try – I do. Something I lack is being able to organize and balance all the things that I need to be doing; cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids, social life, exercise, church responsibilities, time with my husband, having time for me, scripture study, education time with the kids, and so on. I try to balance all the things that I should be doing, but just when I think I’m doing okay – it all falls apart (and I’m actually a pretty organized person). Sometimes I walk in the kitchen and see a pile of dishes on the counter (we don’t have a dishwasher) and I feel like I’ve failed again – that I’m back to square one. I know that sounds ridiculous and that I’m probably being too hard on myself (and at times I am) – but I’m really getting tired of this constant yo-yo of success and failure. Why can’t I just hold it together?

I spoke with Jon about it last night and he said I’m being too hard on myself – and that I can’t be expected to do all of those things at once – perfectly – but that I have to perfect one thing at a time – and then build the next thing onto it. This is true and a good strategy, but how much time will it take? I don’t want it to take long (I’m impatient) – I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already. I do know one thing though – that being married to Jon gives me a confidence and strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I am lucky that I married him and that he married me. I was at such a naïve stage in my life when we married – I think that I could have easily ended up with someone who wouldn’t have been all that I needed or treated me even half as well as he does. The other thing that I have going for me is my faith – the spirit – lucky for me it lead us to one another. Without it, I wouldn’t have been smart enough to grab Jon. It also lead me to the thought last night that I need to fast for motivation and commitment to help me follow through. So, I think that I’ll do that this month – and try harder – at all things to become closer to the woman that I want to be.

I feel very blessed to have my spouse, family – and my children that give me so much purpose. I am grateful for the callings that I have in church and for the opportunity they afford me to grow in new ways. I look forward to going back to school one day – and hopefully by then, I’ll know what I want to study. I’ll check in later – to let you know how I’m doing – if I’m getting any better – if I’ve learned to fight my way there.

-Marzee

Question: Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt stagnant in your growth, or that you're far from becoming the woman that you want to be? What things are helping you to find that person?

My purpose in this site is to help inspire women (and myself along the way) - with tips, stories, and insights that can help with personal growth. I know that I can't do that alone (my "tip" jar is far from overflowing) - so in the next few months, I hope to create a site where you can join me by submitting your pearls of wisdom and life experiences to inspire others. For now, you'll have to do it through the comments section.

Today's Inspiration: Surround yourself with people who will bring out the best in you; teach you, lift you, challenge you to be greater! Take the time TODAY to thank them!